K-Pop vs. Thanos

Last year, I made a list of death predictions for Avengers: Infinity War. With Endgame upon us, I thought I would do something different. Sure, I could guess who is coming back from The Snap™  (everyone), who is staying dead (Loki) and who else will die (Thanos, duh), but where’s the fun in that? Also, I spent a lot of time thinking and writing about the BTS webcomic recently, and that may have fried my brain a little. So, there’s really only one thing I can do: determine which K-pop group would do the best when facing off against Thanos. No doubt, it’s the burning question on literally everyone’s mind.


B.A.P

Peak Superhero Moment: “One Shot”

Could you surprise Thanos and just shoot him in the head? Tricky to say. The Avengers didn’t really try that course of action. Yeah, Thanos turned Peter Quill’s blaster shots into bubbles, but that wasn’t a sneak attack. While B.A.P’s brand of action may not be that superhero-y, they certainly aren’t afraid to shoot and kill people. That’s good. But, they also have a tendency to betray and kill each other in music videos, so teamwork may not be their strong suit.

Who will win? Thanos


Big Bang

Peak Superhero Moment: “Monster”

Big Bang is a group with a few superhero-ish concepts. “Bang Bang Bang,” “Fantastic Baby” and “Bae Bae” all essentially make them into comic book characters, but “Monster” most explicitly deals with them having powers. Their eyes glow, and their hair is overly styled. They can kick, run and look fabulous in what are clearly women’s accessories. 

tumblr_m4zwwc95u31qi17lpo1_500.gif
TOP and his many, many demons (Image source)

Unlike most people, Big Bang’s beef with Thanos wouldn’t be that he’s taking things too far. They’d probably argue that he’s not taking it far enough. As Amanda has pointed out, TOP and G-Dragon have a bit of a preoccupation with bringing about the end of the world. Why kill half of life in the universe when you could end it all? Thanos may actually be the good guy in this situation.

The good news is that Big Bang is a mess. TOP presents himself as the most super villain-esque, but the dude’s got personal issues. I don’t know if you can even count on him to make it to the fight. G-Dragon may seem competent enough, but he’s spent about half his mandatory military service in the hospital or on vacation, so I’m betting he’s not battle ready. Plus, Taeyang and Daesung probably won’t be committed to the group’s apocalyptic mission. In fact, Taeyang would probably quit the group and join the Avengers because he’s the only person in the world with a stronger moral compass than Captain America. I think this battle will be the end of Big Bang, and Thanos won’t even have to do anything.

Who will win? Thanos


Blackpink

Peak Superhero Moment: “Kill This Love”

What happens when you hit Thanos with that ddu-du ddu-du du? I don’t know because I’m still not sure what that means. If it’s just finger guns and a boss bitch attitude, I think Blackpink might be in trouble. “Kill This Love” indicates they’re willing to try and eliminate abstract concepts. Admirable, but it’s unclear how that would translate into an actual fight. They’ll certainly look great when they go up against the Mad Titan, but I can’t see them making much of an impact. They also have a penchant for dancing in giant bear traps, which seems like it would just give Thanos an opening.

Who will win? Thanos


BTS

Peak Superhero Moment: “Anpanman”

“I’m not a superhero. Don’t expect a lot.” I appreciate Suga’s honesty, but that doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the Bangtan Boys can do the job. Still, “Anpanman” does speak to the group’s perseverance, and they’re hella cute when they perform it. That has to count for something. 

tenor
Pictured: Something (Image source)

I’m counting the Save Me webcomic as representative of their superhero abilities since we’re talking about comic book media. That means Jin can go back in time whenever someone dies (including himself), so technically Thanos can’t kill them, or at least, he can’t make it stick. Super useful. However, also in the comic, Jin isn’t super good at keeping people alive, J-Hope has a tendency to fall down stairs, and Suga has negative will to live. Things still don’t look great for them.

The only way I can see this going is that BTS will get caught in a vicious cycle of Thanos killing them and Jin resetting the timeline. But there’s a possibility that with enough run throughs, Jin could figure out some way to win, or maybe, Suga will just set Thanos on fire.

Untitled drawing
I mean, he’s not not going to set something on fire. (Image sources: 1, 2, 3, 4)

Who will win? Draw, but maybe BTS eventually


Crayon Pop

Peak Superhero Moment: “FM”

Crayon Pop is basically the Power Rangers but better. They travel by lightning, create color explosions and have several stylish superhero suits. They have guns, swords and nunchucks that all seem to shoot electricity and at least three allies who come out of the woodwork to save them from precarious situations.  And that’s only in the “FM” video. “Bar Bar Bar” teaches us they also have the power of jumping and that they “don’t want to stick at home, now.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Thanos jump, and at the end of Infinity War, he just went home. I think it’s obvious who’s superior.

Who will win? Crayon Pop


EXO

Peak Superhero Moment: “Power”

EXO has superpowers. It was their concept when they debuted, and for some reason, they haven’t dropped it. Plus, they might also be Jedi, and Sehun once met a space whale, so they have a lot going for them in this fight. If they were still 12 members strong, I’d say they had it in the bag. But they’re three short, meaning they’ve lost Luhan’s telekinesis, Kris’ flight and Tao’s time manipulation. Okay, so Kris is probably useless against Thanos, but Tao could have been a super effective counter to the Time Stone. Also, there is a 75 percent chance that Lay won’t be there, so they can’t count on his healing powers.

Here’s the breakdown of the other eight’s powers:

Suho – Water
Xiumin – Frost
Baekhyun – Light
Chen – Lightning
Chanyeol – Flame
D.O. – Earth or Force
Kai – Teleportation
Sehun – Wind

What exactly is the power of light, and how is it different from lightning? What is generic “force,” and how is it related to “earth?” Let’s not worry about it. Basically, most of EXO has power over some element, except Kai who can teleport.

In the “Power” MV, they all seem pretty inept at fighting a single robot. (Except for Chen; Chen has it together.) Then again, they don’t seem to actually get their powers until the very end, so I won’t judge too harshly. The most successful attacks against Thanos seem to work via distraction and teamwork, which is good news for EXO. There are few things in this world as distracting as Kai’s body rolls. 

99DB013B5C13855C1A
Sorry, what was I talking about? (Image source)

With a variety of powers and possible intervention from the Force (let’s put a pin in Thanos vs. Jedi for now), I’d say they have about as good of odds as the actual Avengers.

Who will win? EXO


GFriend

Peak Superhero Moment: “Fingertip”

What even is happening in “Fingertip?” My initial thoughts were that GFriend are some sort of gods who balance entire planes of existence on their, well, fingertips. Or perhaps they have the power to turn their dreams into reality? Or maybe they’re big game hunters who specialize in stuffed animals? What’s real? What’s a dream? I don’t know, and I don’t really feel like watching the video again to figure it out, so let’s just say they’re powerful. Whatever these gals are, Thanos certainly won’t want to mess with them.

Who will win? GFriend


GOT7

Peak Superhero Moment: “Just Right”

If Ant-Man taught us anything, it’s that being small is technically a superpower. Unfortunately, being roughly Barbie-sized, the fellas from GOT7 probably aren’t quite small enough to pull off the internet’s favorite plan to defeat Thanos. The group has demonstrated other superhero-esque qualities in the videos for “Hard Carry” and “Never Ever.” Plus, “Fly” indicates they may be able to, well, fly. Still, there’s not a lot there that says they’d be able to take on Thanos. Plus, going by “Never Ever,” I think BamBam might be evil, so that’s no good.

Who will win? Thanos


iKon

Peak Superhero Moment: “Dumb & Dumber”

I believe that B.I. believes he could defeat Thanos. I also believe that B.I. is wrong.

Screenshot_20190424-083000_YouTube
Exhibit 1: B.I. doing push-ups while mumbling about how cool he must look on the first episode of iKon TV. (Image source)

Who will win? Thanos


Infinite

Peak Superhero Moment: “The Chaser”

Infinite doesn’t act that much like superheroes. Mostly, they just have dramatic action-inspired music videos. Honestly, they spend a lot of time being menaced, getting beat up and ultimately losing. I mean, I went with “The Chaser,” and a large part of that video is just L getting into a car accident. Actually, now that I think about it, L especially seems to have it rough in a lot of videos. Their songs are epic and definitely befitting a superhero, but Infinite just can’t seem to get a win.

Who will win? Thanos


Monsta X

Peak Superhero Moment: “Hero”

In “Dramarama,” the group has the power of time travel, but they also seem really bad at using it. With that in mind, let’s go with them lifting their shirts and calling themselves heroes as them at their most superpowered. Monsta X seems to honestly believe that Wonho is the most powerful person in the world. Unrelatedly, Monsta X also comes off as a little stupid at times. 

tumblr_pn4bk3oYOH1y4n2x3o2_1280
Actual song lyrics: Hello. I’m an alli alligator. (Image source)

Who would win? Thanos


NCT

Peak Superhero Moment: The sheer number of members

NCT is the only K-pop group with more members than there are Avengers. There are 21 of these guys. You know what that means: a lot of expendables. NCT could probably overwhelm and subdue Thanos, and hey, if half of them die in the process, they’ll still be a normal sized K-pop group. It may not be the cleanest victory, but Taeyong will probably survive. And isn’t he all that’s really needed for the group to carry on?

Who will win? Taeyong


SHINee

Peak Superhero Moment: “Ring Ding Dong”

“Fantastic” and “elastic” are the words a particularly unimaginative child would use to describe Mr. Fantastic. These are also key elements that contribute to SHINee’s greatness. Can Thanos defeat the infectious power of “Ring Ding Dong?” No, no one can. I’m pretty sure that’s a scientific fact. Also, Taemin or Onew could probably break the Infinity Gauntlet with a single touch. That’s true power. 

re2
Pictured: True power (Image source)

Who will win? SHINee


Stray Kids

Peak Superhero Moment: “District 9”

I don’t think the Avengers exhausted all their options when dealing with Thanos. Did they try talking to him? Nope. They didn’t even take a chance on trying to convince him that killing half the universe is a bad idea. The Stray Kids are scrappy revolutionaries who escaped from some sort of government facility, but I think their true powers lie in their boundless positivity. If anyone could convince Thanos that all life is worth preserving, it’s these guys. The joys of extra chicken legs, sharing a soda with a friend and the sound of autumn leaves when you kick them—these are the things the Stray Kids will teach Thanos to appreciate, leading him to just chill (or “get cool” if you will).

Who will win? Stray Kids


Super Junior

Peak Superhero Moment: Their name has “super” in it.

Super Junior has been around for a long time, and I know they’ve done a couple action concepts. Plus, they have a song called “Superman”—where they astutely point out just how close their name is to the Man of Steel’s. Rather than speculating how they’d fair against Thanos based on “Devil” or “Spy,” I’m just going to assume Heechul asks Thanos some embarrassing questions, implies some uncomfortable truths about his personal life and then just straight up insults him. I’ve seen enough Ask Us Anything (or Men on a Mission or Knowing Bros or whatever you want to call it) to know it’s an effective strategy for disarming even the mightiest foe.

Who will win? Super Junior


Teen Top

Peak Superhero Moment: “Supa Luv”

Teen Top’s powers seem to be dancing, hacking, skateboarding, identifying people based on polaroids, opening lockers and flipping for no discernible reason. Their main weakness appears to be spelling. Niel’s huge lips could go either way: maybe they’ll distract Thanos, or maybe they’ll just be a massive target. Whatever. I think it’s pretty clear the group’s useless in this situation.

Who will win? Thanos


Triple H

Peak Superhero Moment: “Retro Future” (The ability to start orgies is a superpower, right?)

Triple H might be unkillable. At the end of the “365 Fresh” music video, they jump to their apparent deaths only to land in a bitchin’ convertible at the start of “Retro Future.” They then proceed to start an orgy at some uptight white people’s house. Thanos is humanoid, so I think it’s fair to say he would at least be distracted if an orgy broke out around him. Plus, people are pretty thirsty for the buff, purple dude, so there’s an equally good chance he’ll get pulled into the proceedings. Who has time to kill half of all life in the universe when there’s an orgy happening? No one, probably. Also, you can’t keep HyunA and E’Dawn’s grungy brand of sexuality down. Cube tried and failed. Can we expect Thanos to fair any better?

Who will win? Triple H


Twice

Peak Superhero Moment: “Signal”

In “Signal,” Twice is revealed to be aliens with powers. Kinda lame powers that they aren’t great at using, but powers nonetheless. Plus, “Like Ooh Aah” let us know they can survive in a post-apocalyptic landscape. Look, let’s get real. It’s no secret that Amanda and I don’t love Twice, but a group of young women ruthless enough to unleash “Likey” upon the world is not to be messed with. To paraphrase their labelmate Stray Kids, Thanos better watch out.

Who will win? Twice


2NE1

Peak Superhero Moment: “Come Back Home”

2NE1 may be sci-fi revolutionaries, but let’s be honest. They aren’t going to be able to survive Thanos; they couldn’t even survive YG. I love Park Bom, but after watching the “Spring” music video, I’m not confident she can actually move her body anymore. And where’s CL? What happened to her?! Tell me where CL is!

Who will win? Thanos


VIXX

Peak Superhero Moment: “On and On”

Picking a top superhero moment for VIXX is tricky. Their debut after all is called “Superhero,” and since then, they’ve had a ton of sci-fi and horror concepts that somewhat fit the bill. But honestly, what is a better reflection of modern superhero media than being launched into space and then repeatedly saying you need therapy? According to their music videos, VIXX is a lot of things. They’re androids, dark angels, human voodoo dolls and video game characters with the power to materialize in the real world. Also, maybe they’re Jesus? The “Fantasy” video has its fair share of Christ imagery, but it also throws literally everything the audience’s way, so it’s not 100 percent clear. Regardless, that’s a lot for anyone to deal with, and honestly, I think Thanos will be overwhelmed. Are VIXX even killable? It seems like they may not be. They’re just too weird, too extra. Also, Leo may be the most formidable opponent any superhero or villain has ever faced. 

original
Image source

Who will win? VIXX


Wonder Girls

Peak Superhero Moment: “Tell Me”

Could Wonder Woman beat Thanos? Probably not. She and her teammates had enough trouble with Thanos’ lame third cousin Steppenwolf. Could a K-pop idol dressed as Wonder Woman beat Thanos? Also probably not. But Sunmi might be able to. She’s a vampire, mermaid and social media influencer. Don’t underestimate Sunmi.

Who will win? Sunmi

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: