Academic Exiles Movie Reviews Are a Piece of Cake … Literally (Well, Not Literally But Figuratively in a Literal Way)

It seems like every movie reviewer needs to have a system to quantify his or her opinion and make it digestible for the public. Sometimes reading all those words is too much, and the chase needs to get cut to fast. Maybe it’s a simple letter grade, a star system, a thumb up or down, or even a subjective aggregate score somehow linked to the freshness of produce. We here at Academic Exiles recognize the need for such a system, and are proud to introduce our own simple rating system: cake.

Is this a picture of a stranger’s birthday cake I found on Pinterest? Maybe. (Image Source)

Confused? Don’t be! Our review system comes with something no one else has – a story about Stephanie’s mom. Stephanie’s mom sees a lot of movies, like more than Amanda or Stephanie do, and not all of them are winners. In fact, a lot of them really suck. One such film is Everything, Everything, a particularly sucky teenage romance that came out earlier this year.

everything everything
God, even the poster is infuriating. That’s clearly not the angle her face would be reflected in that glass! (Image Source)

Upon returning from that movie, Stephanie’s mother proceeded to eat about a fourth of a chocolate cake. When her husband called her out on it, she responded, “I just saw a really bad movie. I deserve this cake.” It struck Stephanie that that was an excellent way of determining the quality of a film: How much cake does it take to make what you just saw okay? Thus, the Academic Exiles review system was born. We’ll let you know how good a movie is by how much or little cake it’ll take for you to feel good about the state of society and culture again.

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